I don’t know about you all, but the highlight of my year is when Cosmopolitan magazine comes out with its year-end Bedside Astrologer.
This handy guide (free with magazine purchase) contains all sorts of useful information for the coming year, such as one’s ruling planet, magic color and love days.
For instance, local tooth tamer Ken Lagina, a Taurus, has an exciting year in store. A newfound passion for rock climbing sends him to the far corners of the globe, and personal finances go bullish in November.
Richland Northeast teacher Linda Mobley is a Pisces, “a dreamer by avocation,” Cosmo says. She has a healthy bank balance and business trips to California and the Caribbean to look forward to in 1989. This will be news to Principal Ron Hill.
Maureen Ranft, president of the Northeast Area Council, was born a Libra. The chamber will be happy to know that she is fair-minded and tolerant, “an uncannily persuasive speaker.” Her social life in 1989? “So many parties, so little time.”
A Capricorn, John Monroe’s amorous album is AC/DC’s Blow Up Your Video. “If you’ve one flaw, it’s that you’re a touch too rigorous,” Cosmo says. His magic color is fawn, and his love days are July 4, Oct. 8 and Nov. 30.
John Hudgens and Dottie Boatwright were born under the sign of Aquarius. They command respect, Cosmo says, and they have brilliant ideas and stunning persuasive powers. Their magic color: shocking pink. Erogenous zones: behind the ears.
Since I don’t know everybody’s birthday, and since some of you, like Jeanette Russell, won’t tell, here is a generic horoscope for 1989 for the rest of northeast Columbia.
* Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You will move to Spring Valley and all the drainage water from Polo Plaza will empty into your yard. You will have a romantic encounter at the Frosty Bite in Pontiac. Beware Aisle 3 at the Decker Boulevard Kroger.
* Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): A fire ant colony from Pontiac will take up residence in your garage. You will be asked to be a mascot for the Elgin Catfish Stomp. Jack Boggs will try to annex your house into Arcadia Lakes, ignoring your protests that you live in Blythewood.
* Aries (March 21-April 19): This is a good day to buy leftover Rotary pecans. Your car will stall at Two Notch and Decker, snarling traffic for three days. Jimmy Koon will name a hot dog after you.
* Taurus (April 20-May 20): Your daughter will sell pictures of you to the National Enquirer. A pleasant surprise awaits you at the Blythewood IGA. While driving Longtown Road, you will pass Jimmy Rivers’ ostrich thumbing a ride.
* Gemini (May 21-June 20): You wake up with an uncontrollable urge to run for Elgin Town Council. Lacy Summer writes your measurements in rye grass in his front yard in Killian. This is not a good day to go 75 MPH on Trenholm Road.
* Cancer (June 21-July 22): Send all your bills back marked “refused.” The Highway Department decides to reroute the Trenholm Road extension through your kitchen. Being seen with Nettie Moak Campbell could enhance your career.
* Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Someone spray paints your name on the Windsor Lake Boulevard overpass. Your son gets national attention when he claims he saw the Lizard Man in Cary Lake. Richland Two zones your house for Dorchester County Two schools.
* Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): John Klapper moves next door and starts putting up Christmas decorations. Domino’s takes 45 minutes, and your pizza will be free. Write your community editor a fan letter. A fun time awaits you at the Snappy Car Wash.
* Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You wait for seven hours for the railroad arms to go back up on Clemson Road. A loved one sends you bottled water from Blythewood. Harold Driver asks you to speak to the Northeast Kiwanis Club about the decreasing squirrel population at Sesqui State Park. Richland County Council designates your subdivision as the adult entertainment zone.
* Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Ben Nesbit revokes your diploma. Offer assistance to black Corvettes stranded on the roadside. You will have a romantic encounter with a possum at Spring Valley Feed and Seed.
* Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A Rawley Patton for County Council sign mysteriously appears in your front yard. An evening of wild abandon awaits you at Mr. B’s Railroad Tavern. Heather Harjes writes about it in The Spring Valley Monthly.
* Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Columbia Mall erects a concrete barrier in front of your driveway. You will blow $5 on the Lucky Egg machine at the Elgin IGA. Resist the temptation to open an adult bookstore next to John Monroe’s house.
Jennifer Nicholson hopes your year is heavenly. Got a story idea? Call 771-8507 or toll-free from Lugoff-Elgin, 1-800-922-3448, ext. 8507. Or write c/o Neighbors, P.O. Box 1333, Columbia, S.C. 29202. Please, folks — no anonymous tips. Please give a name and number where I can reach you during the day.