The newsstands at the Decker Boulevard Kroger proclaimed an event of monumental proportions last week that went largely unnoticed by less astute shoppers.
A statue of Elvis was found on Mars.
That’s what it said, this tabloid newspaper next to the Tums and the Tic- Tacs, and we all know you can believe everything you read in a newspaper.
My life will never be the same.
This, of course, does not have quite the same implications of a statue of Carl Bowen — the Walking Man’s Friend — being found on Mars, but it is encouraging all the same.
There are unbelievers who would claim a statue of Elvis wasn’t really found on Mars, that editors just made that up to sell newspapers.
The more I think about it, that’s not such a bad idea. If we sell more newspapers, we make more money, and if we make more money, then I make more money, and if I make more money, then the whole Northeast-area economy prospers. Particularly Rich’s.
Let’s try it, and see if it works. These are my offerings for the Northeast Enquirer.
Statue of Cavalier found in Spring Valley Commons.
David Higginbotham wins Corvette in Exxon Performance Payoff; sells Gulf station.
“I’ll pay for new schools myself,” Neil Skipper tells school board.
Nettie Moak Campbell secretly applies for Blythewood town clerk job.
Giant cockroach eats Blythewood; Doko Diner mourned.
John Hudgens ousted from Richland Two; Bill Cotty seizes control.
Trenholm Road extension opens tomorrow.
Steve Gimbel really lives in Woodfield; just has Spring Valley mailing address, wife reveals.
WildeWood polo team to field mules this year; “It’s the trendy thing to do,” Heath Manning says.
John Monroe erects statue of himself at Pontiac city limits.
“My liaison with the Lizard Man” — Dottie Boatwright tells all.
Owen Clary gets Dentsville incorporated; appoints himself mayor.
“I was a teenage vampire,” Chris Lempesis’ true and shocking account.
Martin Minor makes bid for PTL; second collection to finance down payment.
“Let’s make ALL of Sesqui a shopping center,” county council suggests.
George Shissias becomes Democrat; Susie Newman to host welcome party.
“Inspect my books any old time,” James Rimer tells Blythewood town clerk.
Spring Valley Rotarians join Moose Lodge; hunt antlers.
“I hate grape juice,” Treci Senecal reveals.
Richard Hellman abandons nursery business; says “mayonnaise is my life.”
Winners announced in Neighbors State Fair coloring contest; Joe Steed takes top honors.
“If there’s a race, I’ll run it,” C. Eben Young vows.
Richland Two merges with Woodfield Girl and Boy Land.
Lifestyles of the poor and unknown: Ben Nesbit after taxes.
Lonnie Roberts remembers “My First Volkswagon.”
Mr. B’s Railroad Tavern chosen for historical register.
Make your fortune through radio contests; Jack Boggs tells how.
Columbia to Blythewood: “Water? Sure! All you had to do was ask.”
Jennifer Nicholson is community editor of the Northeast Neighbors. Really. Got a story idea? A real one? Call 771-8507, or toll-free from Lugoff-Elgin, 768-2626, ext. 8507. Or write c/o Neighbors, P.O. Box 1333, Columbia, S.C. 29202.